Last night, I had a moment of clarity about every guy I have ever dated. Rather than being hateful, or spiteful, or remorseful, I had a moment of acceptance and validation in my choices and choices that were made for me.

Here’s the thing, I have dated many a dude. With dating, you realize things about yourself too, which can be a positive realization or it can be a moment that makes you realize that changes need to be made. For example, I have dated guys who love experimenting with drugs, which is fine to an extent for them, mainly because it isn’t my body and they choose to do them in safer ways. I learned from those men that I still have zero interest in ever trying hard drugs. From each of them, it always seems like they have nothing to lose from doing them, or they started doing them at young ages and don’t know a world without them. I never experimented with anything harder than cannabis, and the arguments they made for trying drugs just sounded like lame high school peer pressure. Again, I learned where I stand and what I can handle in my life, which is not guys who need escapes from this reality.

Another thing I learned was that I hate sleeping naked. I find it uncomfortable and honestly inconvenient seeing as though I live in a house with windows that open to a hiking trail that is frequented by stoners and old men. It is also always freezing in my room, so logistically it doesn’t make sense. Why do so many dudes not wear anything to bed? Is it the freedom? The same guys I have dated who love drugs are also the guys who love sleeping in the nude. I am not a psychiatrist, so I cannot make any diagnosis, but any friends who are, I highly encourage a study!

Something else I learned about myself was that I make far too many morbid jokes rather than try to deal with my mental illnesses. My grandmother was an alcoholic with a weird anti-semitic ideology, and I make fun of her often. Other family members are still grieving her departure from this world and think that I am a monster. Some guys I’ve dated have assumed I was an ungrateful granddaughter because of how I talk about her. I have since changed this. Not everything needs to be made into a joke is what I am truly saying, and the men I have dated drew attention to this.

I think the most important thing I have learned is how to identify the people who are grateful for their privilege versus the guys who blindly expect it. I have dated a majority of white men who have always achieved what they wanted to because of their skin color and/or parents money. Many of them had jobs but not because they had to, and they could never understand why I worked 5 jobs at a time to afford the lifestyle I have. This also isn’t to say that I don’t have privilege because I am white, I am aware that I do in many ways. But I also look at how much money I make versus male coworkers, or job opportunities that I would never be considered for because I have a vagina. It drives me nuts to be honest. But so many guys I’ve dated have just blindly accepted that they could study the social sciences and then immediately get a job in their parents business or take unpaid internships because they aren’t desperate for money. The men I have had the most respect for are the ones who wash dishes in the back of the restaurant rather than bartending in the front. I have so much more admiration for the people who work as hard as I do, and that was something I only really learned from dating the men that I have.

This isn’t a blog post to shit on the men I have dated, but just a reminder that the people who come into your life can teach you something even if you don’t see it in the moment. It took me years to realize that some of the changes I have made were based on the experiences of these guys, and I cannot thank them enough for teaching me what I need and what I want. Trial and error is the best way to find what works.